Stations of the Heart: Parting with a Son

Knopf/Vintage Books

Order: Amazon

Order: Amazon

 

The novelist Karen Blixen wrote, “Any sorrow can be borne if a story can be told about it.”  That was my hope when I wrote this memoir to commemorate our son Adam who died in 2005. There’s no way to separate the story of a young man, his death, and his loved ones’ grief.  They are joined forever in one community of memory—and in the mercy of God.  I believe my wife Tracy’s mediation on our sundial is a most meaningful reflection not only on Adam but on our family’s search through time and memory.

The Sundial

In my side-yard sits a cast-iron sundial.  Our son Adam gave it to my mother, a gift for her garden.  Adam and his wife picked it out, their first gift to her as newlyweds.  She had created what she lovingly called "Adam's Park" by the creek that ran behind her house.  Nina Naomi's first-born grandson was special to her.  He showed his love in an open, talkative, physical way--arm around the shoulders, a hug, a glancing touch at the waist.  I was the recipient of these affectionate moments too, given often and unselfconsciously, daily, as we practiced law together, mother and son.  At 6'3", he was strong and graceful; he could lift the heavy sundial with one hand and move it wherever his grandma wished.  She was young when he was born and he called her simply Nina.  

My mother and father lived near the North Carolina beach.  When Adam would visit, he and his grandma would bring plastic chairs out to Adam's Park. It was always shady there and she had planted hosta and lined the path into the glade with some of her seashell collection, conchs of various sizes and degrees of brokenness.  Sometimes a turtle would crawl up the creek bank or more often seagulls would fly over.  Conversations were mostly about Adam's future.  It always seemed unlimited.

At age 82 my mother died when her cancer recurred.  Adam couldn't visit her because he was immunocompromised from his own cancer treatments. After her death, and then his, shortly thereafter, my father decided to move inland near me.  I went to close up the house and sell it.  There sat the sundial, sturdily marking each hour that passed, as it had been doing for 6 years since Adam and his wife placed it there, in its spot as sentry to "Adam's Park."  Marking the hours of everyone's lives, my parents’ happy retirement near the beach, Adam's marriage, his and Nina's illnesses, their deaths, and the birth of his wonderful daughter . . . . 

I asked my father, then 84, "Can I keep it?  We can't give away the sundial."  I'd broken vintage plates, worn out family quilts, misplaced jewelry, lost photos--but here surely was the one thing indestructible:  the cast-iron marker of the days of our lives.  So now it sits outside my door.  The grandchildren dodge it when they chase runaway balls.  I haven't moved it in almost 14 years. We are impermanent.  The sundial is as permanent as anything I've seen in my life.  It was chosen by young newlyweds to mark the ending years of beloved grandparents.  But one July it marked another death as well and then a birth and now, in my yard, more griefs and more celebrations. Moss covers its heavy base. It is indestructible, like love. 

Tracy Kenyon Lischer

Adam practiced law with me prior to his death on July 17, 2005. His daughter was born on July 29 that year. I enjoy blogging in honor of my mother and in her name.  "Diary of a Mindful Nature Lover" can be found at https://ninanaomimindfulsimpleliving.blogspot.com. The Sundial was posted in 2019 on the anniversary of Adam’s death. 

From the Introduction to Stations of the Heart, “The Fountain”

“Those who grieve have no illusions about denying death or making it into a beautiful experience. We only want to remember in a saving way so that something whole and complete may come into view.  To remember in this way is the work of God.  My religious tradition calls it Resurrection. If you obey the human instinct to keep and to consummate, you are doing the work of God whether you know it or not. Remembering is a sacred act.” (pp. 7-8)

“A book after my own heart, profound, gorgeous, deeply spiritual and human, but also . . . triumphant.

Anne Lamott, American novelist